


i understand, i'm a liability

by sxmwise



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, First Kiss, Fix-It, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-03-01 14:24:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,806
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18802120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sxmwise/pseuds/sxmwise
Summary: endgame broke me and threw away steve's character arc so i retrieved it from the garbage, brushed it off and did it justiceor, bucky is convinced steve will leave him to back for peggy and steve reassures him that he's not that stupid





	i understand, i'm a liability

**Author's Note:**

  * For [havishxm](https://archiveofourown.org/users/havishxm/gifts).



Bucky waits just by the door of the hotel room he and Steve have been sharing for the week of Tony’s funeral, hands in his pockets, scuffing his feet against the floor nervously. Steve’s adjusting his tie in the mirror and glances over when he notices the repetitive sound of shoes on carpet.

“You okay, Buck?” he asks gently, turning away from the mirror.

Bucky chews at the inside of his cheek and pulls one hand out to pat down his hair.

“Yeah.” he replies, though Steve looks unconvinced. “You sure I look alright? I didn’t…” he hesitates for a moment. “I didn’t think I would be welcome so this was all I had to wear.”

It wasn’t until Steve had been getting ready to leave for the lakeside cabin where the funeral was being held, that Bucky actually realised he was wanted there, and as a result had had no time to rent a suit or find anything remotely funeral appropriate. Hence the bomber jacket and black jeans he now found himself in.

Steve takes a few steps forward and smooths his hands over Bucky’s shoulders. Bucky closes his eyes and reminds himself of what he had figured out a few weeks ago. This wasn’t going to last much longer. Steve would be gone soon- the thought makes his heart clench and he squeezes his eyes together before opening them again to look into Steve’s.

“You look great, bud. Perfect.” Steve says to him.

Bucky smiles a small smile and tugs at Steve’s tie.

“Says you.”

Steve rolls his eyes and grabs his key-card and phone from the hotel room table. He raises his eyebrows.

“You ready to go?”

Bucky shrugs.

“As I’m ever gonna be.”

Steve gives him another of those gentle, caring smiles and Bucky wants to die as Steve reaches out to squeeze his hand.

“It’s gonna be okay Buck.”

Bucky wishes he could believe him.

 

* * *

 

The funeral is perfect as far as Bucky can tell, everyone whose life Tony has touched is there. Bucky feels like a fraud standing amongst them all, knowing what he’s done to the man who just saved the world, but Pepper makes a point of finding him afterwards to offer the forgiveness Tony never got the chance to express in words. Bucky still doesn’t feel like he deserves it but the guilt weighs less heavily on his shoulders.

Really, it’s Sam who keeps him grounded throughout the day. The two of them have forged a strong bond since their first meeting and Bucky doesn’t know what he’d do without Sam’s comforting presence next to him and the solid, warm hand he places on Bucky’s shoulder. 

“Nice ceremony, huh?” he says quietly, towards the end as people are beginning to head back inside for food and drinks to toast a life ended too soon. Bucky nods and reaches up to pat Sam’s hand where it rests.

“Thanks for sticking with me through it.” he says gratefully, and Sam shrugs.

“Figured we all need friends around us right now.” 

Bucky gives a somewhat pained smile and finds his gaze drifting over to where Steve is talking to Bruce or Hulk or… whatever combination of the two he is going by now. A lot has changed since the snap, Bucky has learned.

Sam follows his gaze and chuckles, rolling his eyes.

“Looks like there’s another friend you need to be with right now.”

Bucky looks back quickly, the guilt filtering back in easily.

“No, no I’m sorry, just got stuff on my mind right now,” He protests, “He’s busy right now anyway. How are  _ you  _ doing?”

This prompts Sam to actually laugh, and immediately snap his mouth shut because  _ so  _ not the right setting. 

“I’m fine, Bucky, and I think he’ll find time for you somehow. Besides, he needs you as much as anything right now. Dude just lost someone real close to him and I know he’s not letting on just how much it hurts, but he’ll open up to you.” He gives Bucky a gentle nudge forward. “Go on.”

 

* * *

 

Steve’s been busy for most of the funeral, standing down the front with Tony’s closest friends and family, so Bucky hasn’t gotten to see him a lot so far, which is fine, really. The less he has to see him the less he has to remember Steve will be leaving him soon and the more he can sink into a blissful fantasy where after this they will be returning to their own home, where Steve can mourn and Bucky can be there for him as much or as little as he needs, where Steve decides that Bucky is worth all the effort and chooses him.

It’s with no small amount of trepidation that Bucky approaches Steve, but the look of relief on Steve’s face when he spots his best friend is enough to almost completely halt the endless stream of anxieties Bucky has had all day. Steve tells Bruce he’ll come and find him later to continue their conversation, and reaches out to take Bucky’s hand gratefully, squeezing it tight.

“Buck, you have no idea how much I’ve missed you today.” He sighs, and Bucky pulls him into a hug on pure instinct - Steve looks like he’s having one of the worst days of his life and Bucky’s never been able to shake that need to shelter him from pain.

“How are you holding up?” he asks, like he doesn’t already know the answer, and Steve just exhales slowly, tucking his face into the crook of Bucky’s neck. “That bad, huh?”

After a long moment Steve pulls away, grief written on every line of his face. 

“It’s been a rough day for everyone. I still got some stuff to figure out with Bruce and then I would really like to just go home.” 

Bucky nods, but the mention of the ‘stuff’ he has to figure out sends him right back into the spiral of overthinking that he’s been stuck in for weeks. He’s been told about how they managed to acquire the stones and he’s not stupid, he knows they need to go back where they came from and Steve will definitely volunteer himself for the task. He is also aware that Steve saw Peggy on his tour of the 70s - because Steve told him all about it, breathless and giddy with having been so close to the woman he would have spent his life with, had life given them the chance.

Bucky is sure, now that the threat of the end of the world is no longer looming and Steve doesn’t have that responsibility on him anymore, that the temptation of their newly discovered time travel capabilities will prove too tempting to Steve, and Bucky’s going to be left behind again. He can’t say he blames him but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

“You go do whatever stuff you need to do.” He says, rather than voice any of these anxieties. “I’ll be here whenever you’re ready to leave.”

 

* * *

 

 

Bucky spends the entire cab ride back to the hotel in silence despite Steve’s attempts at conversation. It’s not like he’s trying to be difficult or make things uncomfortable but he’s not sure he can fall into the easy dynamic they usually have right now. They arrive at their destination and head inside still without a word said, but as soon as the hotel room door closes behind them Steve turns back to Bucky, a hurt expression on his face and a question in his eyes.

“Have I done something, Buck?” He asks. “Did I say something? I’m sorry if I did but I can’t imagine what it was.”

Bucky is taken aback but really he shouldn’t be. Steve has never been one to hide his feelings around Bucky and is usually the one to suggest talking things out when they have a problem. Bucky tends to be better at stewing in silence. That’s probably part of the reason they work so well together, he thinks. Used to, anyway, he corrects himself.

“Well? You ignored me the whole way back here and whatever is going on I just wanna fix it. We’ve both had rough days and we need each other right now.”

Bucky stays silent, lips pressed together, because how can he tell Steve not to leave him? After all of the trouble he has caused for Steve, and everyone else for that matter. After everything he’s done. He remembers telling Steve once that he didn’t think he was worth all the trouble and he’s not sure he’s been convinced otherwise yet. And above all, how could he deny Steve the chance to be happy? As much as it might hurt him, Steve’s happiness is the only priority he can remember having since recovering his memories.

“Bucky, please…”

Tears prick at the corners of Bucky’s eyes and he tries so hard to stay silent but Steve’s imploring tone and the way he steps forward into Bucky’s space breaks his resolve and in the smallest voice he whispers,

“Please don’t leave me, Stevie.”

The confusion on Steve’s face is tinged with pain as he replies,

“What?”

“I know you have to take the stones back. And I know you saw Peggy and I know all you want is that life you missed out on and you could have it now but-”

Bucky bites back the rest of his desperate plea just as Steve closes the remaining distance between them and takes Bucky’s hands.

“What are you talking about Buck?” he asks, shaking his head. “Where is this coming from?” 

Bucky looks down at their joined hands but says nothing so Steve presses on.

“I’m not gonna leave you. I don’t know where you got that idea or how long you’ve been worrying about this but when I said the end of the line I meant it. Losing what could have been with Peggy… it was painful. But so was losing you. And then I got you back!”

He frowns and pauses for a moment as if figuring out how to express what he’s trying to say.

“Buck…”

One hand lets go of Bucky’s to cup his cheek and lean in closer.

“I’m not gonna just give up that  _ miracle _ . And Peggy’s not the only person I’ve ever loved.”

Bucky looks up with wide eyes.

“What do you mea-”

But he’s cut off by Steve rolling his eyes, muttering “Oh my god…” and pressing his lips to Bucky’s in a sweet, gentle kiss. Bucky freezes for a moment before he registers what’s going on and melts into the kiss, his hand clutching Steve’s like a lifeline. When they part, breathless and hearts racing, Bucky asks with a smile,

“So does that mean you’ll stay?”

Steve nods with a laugh and whispers a soft “Yes…” against Bucky’s lips.


End file.
